i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I pour the whiskey from now on
as a side note pls kill me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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