A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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