By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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