She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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