Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
