I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
