6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
