I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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