No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
