Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
