2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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