Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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