i just made my gag reflex go away.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
