ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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