I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
