Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
