I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
