i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think my fart just growled at me.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
