I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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