we have officially lost it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
