dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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