Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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