you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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