i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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