I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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