I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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