I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize