im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You are a genius and a whore.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
