Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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