I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
