Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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