onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
