he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize