she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
