I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i think i just lost a toe
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
