Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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