My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
