New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
