mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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