he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize