R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
