she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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