So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
