If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
