hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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