Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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