I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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