barbara walters just said penis...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
