I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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