i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
