I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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