At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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