i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
