Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
